The apostle Paul says, “God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others” (2 Corinthians 1:4).

So many people are suffering from workplace trauma. As organizations evolve, not all leaders are equipped to manage the people side of change. Unfortunately, I think Black women are having the worse time ever in corporate America. As an HR professional and coach who has been transparent about the challenges I’ve faced, I get calls daily asking for help with different obstacles that Black women are facing. A protege told me recently, that it doesn’t appear that anything bothers me because I’m always so optimistic. However, I’ve suffered personally from work hurt. I have dealt with bias, discrimination, workplace bullying, gaslighting, micro aggressions, being passed over for promotions, unfair assessments, and I could go on and on. I am just grateful that I don’t look like what I’ve been through over the last 30 years.

Although Black women are not alone in suffering from work hurt, I believe there is something to be learned from our experience. This month my family held a reunion of my dad’s siblings and their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. As we reminisced about our childhoods, I was reminded that resilience is a family trait. My grandfather, who only had a 5th grade education, left a legacy of faith and family as strong values that sustain us to this day. He moved his family to Memphis when my dad was 10 years old after being cheated for the umpteenth time as a sharecropper in Nesbit, MS. What I learned from him was finally put into words by a co-worker when I was trying to deal with abusive behavior by so called leaders. They said “no one can ride your back if you don’t bend over.” That’s when I began to learn how to advocate for myself and to set boundaries to protect my mental, physical and spiritual health.

Healing from workplace trauma takes time and support. I didn’t seek professional counseling at the time (although I needed it), but I did have some good advisors who helped me tremendously. More importantly, I knew that what I believed about myself and my situation would either be enabling or crippling. It wasn’t easy but these beliefs helped me to heal from my work hurt:

1. I am worthy – You need a tremendous amount of self confidence as a black woman in corporate America. We are bombarded with subtle messages every day that make you feel like you don’t fit the ideal. Everything from our hair, clothing, body image, tone of voice, speech, and ways of working is different from the status quo. You have to be comfortable in your own skin and it helps to have role models and mentors who look like you to make you feel ok when most days you’re the only one who looks like you in every meeting. Remembering that you earned your seat, that you are smart and that you have a unique perspective that adds tremendous value is key. You belong!

2. I don’t have to tolerate mistreatment- There is nothing worse than feeling helpless and when you don’t think you have anyone you can go to it’s like being trapped. If a policy is being violated then I think it should be reported and the person held accountable for their behavior. ( Reach out to https://cagedbirdhr.com/services for help.) Unfortunately, when you work in the group that other people are supposed to come to for help, you feel like you don’t have anyone to go to when it’s you that is being harassed by your boss. I found that the best way to deal with a bully was to stand up to them and call them out on their behavior. It may not change the situation but it’s liberating and validating. This is a form of agency that I didn’t learn as a child because showing respect for authority generally meant being quiet. However, everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect in the workplace. If you’re hurting me, now I will let you know regardless of your position.

3. I can’t just go through it, I must grow through it – I’ve always been conscious of the fact that others are watching me and that what I do and say reflects on my family, my culture, my affiliations and most of all Christ. During a tough season, one of my friends advised me to “watch my testimony” as a reminder that I was representing Christ in the workplace. I was also reminded that our tests become our testimony. That’s why it is helpful to first try to understand what’s the lesson for me in a situation and then to consider how my experience might help someone else. Adversity builds character and wisdom.

4. If I don’t take care of me, no one will – Practicing self love, self care, and wellness are vital. I had to learn that I couldn’t pour from an empty cup. Making time for the people and activities to feed my soul and fill me up has become very intentional and keeps me from drowning in the demands of the job. This is why boundaries have become crucial. No is a complete sentence but you have to let people know what your boundaries are. That way, it’s a conscious decision when you allow them to be over stepped.

5. Gratitude and anxiety can’t exist in the same space – Whenever I started to worry or become overwhelmed, it helped me to remember how much I had accomplished. It’s hard to stay anxious when you’re focused on being thankful. This doesn’t mean I don’t acknowledge the hurt or that I don’t feel angry about unfair or mistreatment. It’s just that I realize dwelling on those things will make me bitter not better. I can choose not to rehearse the hurt. I can release those things that I can’t control and focus on what’s good. I can smile in the midst of my pain when I’m grateful.

It would be nice if life were fair and all leaders were inclusive servant leaders who demonstrate care and value the contributions of their staff. That is my vision and hope for corporate leaders. In the meantime, I hope that my experience and lessons learned will help someone else heal from the hurt that some in leadership roles inflict.